I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize