they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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