dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
