I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
