3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
