i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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