evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
