Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
