Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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