Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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