did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
