My Higher Power is John Stamos
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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