I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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