I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
