I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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