my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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