Your mouth is God's brothel.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
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