Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
