Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
