Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Randomize
