That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize