i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
