i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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