My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
