i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
