Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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