he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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