I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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