I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Couch. On fire.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
