my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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