do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
