New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
