I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
