I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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