its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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