We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
