I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
