Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
