just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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