When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
