i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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