I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
