My sheets look like a crime scene.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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