I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
