I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
There are leaves in my underwear?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
