U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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