I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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