yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
