Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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