my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
