Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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