I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The feeling are messing with the penis
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
