Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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