so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
