i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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